Assertiveness
Assertiveness
is often confused with aggressiveness. There is a big difference between
these two concepts. It is useful to think of a continuum (below)
along which the whole range of human behavior lies. Some behavior
is extremely passive (at one end of the continuum), some is extremely aggressive
(at the other end), and some (assertive) lies somewhere in between:
passive<------------>Assertive<------------>AGGRESSIVE
Being assertive
means that we say and do what we need to, but not with the purpose of hurting
another. However, some individuals are so afraid of hurting the other
person's feelings and of being rejected that they are passive. This may
be a sign of low self-esteem and the individual may feel uncertain about
tackling even the smallest challenge.
Assertive
Assertiveness
is expressing our thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a direct, honest,
and appropriate way. The assertive person has respect both for themselves
and for others and is consciously working toward a "win-win" solution to
problems. A win- win solution means that an effort is being made to make
sure that both parties end up with their needs met to the degree possible.
An assertive person effectively influences, listens, and negotiates so
that others choose to cooperate willingly.
Aggressive
Assertiveness
is very different from aggressiveness. Aggressiveness involves expressing
thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a way that is inappropriate and violates
the rights of others. It can be either active or passive, but no
matter which, it communicates an impression of disrespect. By being
aggressive, the aggressive person puts his/her own wants, needs, and rights
above those of others. The person attempts to get his/her way by not allowing
others a choice. Where assertiveness tries to find a win-win solution,
aggressiveness strives for a win-lose solution: I'll be the winner; you'll
be the loser.
Passive
Assertiveness
is also different from nonassertiveness. Nonassertive behavior is
passive and indirect. It permits others to violate our rights and shows
a lack of respect for our own needs. It communicates a message of
inferiority. It creates a lose-win situation because the nonassertive
person has decided that his or her own needs are secondary and opts to
be a victim.
Tips On How
to be Assertive
An "I" message
is a good way to let people know what you are thinking. It is made up of
three parts.
Behavior -- what it is, exactly, that the other person has done or is doing?
Effect -- what is happening because of their behavior?
Feelings -- what effect does their behavior have on your feelings?
By using this
kind of message, you are giving another person complete information, leaving
no room for second guessing or doubt.
An example:
"When you come late to the meeting (behavior) I feel angry (feelings) because
we have to repeat information the rest of us heard (effect)."
This is much
more productive and assertive than simply ignoring the problem or just
expressing your anger or frustration.
-
Choose assertive
words carefully - use factual descriptions instead of judgments.
Compare the following:
"This is sloppy work." (Aggressive)
"The pages in this report are out of order." (Assertive)
Compare the following:
"You never are on time!" (Aggressive)
"You were 15 minutes late today. That's the third time this week." (Assertive)
Compare the following:
"You always interrupt my stories!" (Aggressive)
"I would like to tell my story without being interrupted." (Assertive)
-
Express thoughts,
feelings, and opinions reflecting ownership.
Compare the following:
"He makes me angry." (Denies ownership of feelings)
"I get angry when he breaks his promises." (Assertive and owns feelings)
Assertiveness
Assessment
1. Are you able to speak up and share your own viewpoint?
2. Are you able to refuse unreasonable requests made by friends or
co-workers?
3. Do you readily accept positive criticism and suggestion?
4. Do you ask for assistance when you need it?
5. Do you usually have confidence in your own judgment?
6. If someone else has a better solution, do you accept it easily?
7. Do you express your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in a direct
and honest way?
8. Do you try to work for a solution that, to the degree possible,
benefits all parties?
A "yes" response
indicates an assertive approach.
Assertiveness
Tips
Use suitable facial expressions, always maintaining good eye contact.
Keep your voice firm but pleasant.
Pay careful attention to your posture and gestures.
Listen and let people know you have heard what they said.
Ask questions for clarification.
Look for a win-win approach to problem solving.
Links to
More Information
Assertiveness Test
http://www.queendom.com/tests/minitests/assertiveness_abridged_access.html
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